Check your bitterness at the door.

This is something I have to continually remind myself. Sometimes, I have an overly bitter heart. I’m sure it could be worse though, and the fact that I know I am bitter, is probably a good thing. I have been married for 5 years. My husband and I have been together for 8. I’ve always been a hard worker. I have always just wanted to work, since I took my first job at the ripe age of 16, I have always taken on extra work for the simple fact that I enjoyed it. Since I have “grown up”, and now I have to work, I don’t enjoy it as much. Who does?? I enjoy the independence and the paycheck, of course, but I find myself extremely bitter about other people my age not having to work. I know, I shouldn’t worry about them, but it’s just frustrating. Another thing I am fiercely bitter about is fertility/infertility. My husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby for about 4 years now. I can’t say I get overly excited to hear about that girl from school having her third child. Or the one complaining about how much she hates being pregnant. The ones who are tired of their kids or the ones who dump them with the grandparents because they’re not done sowing their wild oats. Do they know how lucky they are!? However I am continually brought back to realty when I look around and realize that I, too, am lucky. I have a husband who is there for his child. I have a step-son who loves me nearly as much as his own mother as I’ve been here just as long. I have a job and a paycheck and affordable insurance. I have a nice car, and a sturdy home. I have food on my table and in the fridge. So I don’t get to be a “stay at home mom”, I wouldn’t like that anyways. So I don’t have my own child yet. One day, I will. One day, perhaps, I’ll be working my dream job. I know I will have my share of bad days there, too, but I will check my bitterness at the door and remind myself always that I am blessed and things could definitely be worse.

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Where do I start??

Today is day four of my “mini vacation”. I didn’t go anywhere. I just took a few days off to relax a bit. You see I’ve been troubled recently with the nagging feeling of “burnout” I’m burnt out on everything. I don’t want to get up in the morning and go to work and chase the hamster wheel around and around. I don’t want to cook or clean or anything. I do want to write. But where do I start?? I’ve had this dream since I was a little girl to write books, but every time I try to start, I quit again. I don’t like the words I’m putting down. I don’t know how to put my thoughts into action. It’s so completely discouraging. So here I am, feeling sorry for myself and stuff. Surfing the internet, getting mad at facebook posts from family and friends and wondering, “just what am I doing with my life??” This isn’t the first time I’ve doubted myself and I know it won’t be the last. We live in a world of continual questions. Continual doubts. Does anyone wake up every morning feeling completely fulfilled and ready to tackle the world? Sure. I would venture to guess there are people who do, but not without working diligently to get there. So I’m going to keep reading, keep writing, and just keep working and maybe someday I will get where I want to be and I will feel peace getting up every morning to do what I love. Whether it be at my current day job or my dream job.

Motivation

Nothing like a birthday to kick you in your pants and get you motivated, right?? It was couple years ago on my 24th birthday when I was feeling so down and like I really needed to get moving and get moving, I did. I talked about my lists and goals in my previous post, so no need to reiterate. What I’m getting at is that my birthday was yesterday and once again I wasn’t where I wanted to be. Now, I’m pretty realistic and I realize that it’s probably a good thing to always want more. To want to be a better version of yourself and to continually work toward something better. However, I really just want to be comfortable with me. I want to be happy with where I am while still striving for excellence and as of today? I’m not there. So I’m getting off my butt, I’m shaking it, eating better, and doing the things that make me happy. I’m writing more, listening more, talking less. Of course, it’s only been a day, but these are the things I am focusing on. I looked back at my list of 30 things to do before I turn 30 today that I mentioned last week, I wanted to tweak a few things but there were some that I accomplished over the last year so that makes me feel good, like I’m somewhat on track. Maybe someday I’ll remember to share it. 🙂 What are some things to look forward to in the upper twenties?? I think it’s going to be an interesting adventure.

Lists and Goals

I love lists. Grocery Lists. Lists of things to do today. Lists of things to do this month. Things to accomplish by X date. I make lists all the time. But I fail. I don’t always complete my lists. When I do though, I feel SUCH a sense of accomplishment. Last year, err well, 2 years ago, on my 24th birthday I felt so disappointed in my life thus far. It was silly of me, sure. We all have different accomplishments, but I just wanted more for myself. So I made a list. A list of 25 things to do before I turned 25. I completed 24 of them (zip lining is the only one I haven’t made it to :(). I felt SO great last year. Some of the items on my list- lose 25 lbs., get a degree, go parasailing, canoeing, buy my parents dinner, etc. I checked almost all of them off and it was wonderful. This year, my 25th year, I feel like I’ve undone a lot of that progress. I got my associate’s degree last year and was continuing to get my bachelor’s degree but I just don’t want a business degree so I guess I’m not giving it my all. This makes me feel like a failure, but my heart simply isn’t in it. I’ve gained back a bit of that weight I lost and that makes me feel terrible, and why? What happened to send me in this downward spiral? Who knows. All I know is that I need to find my motivation and get back out there. After crossing all that off my list last year, I made a list of 30 things to accomplish before I turn 30. One of those is to write a book. I’ve started and stopped that many times in the past few years but I WILL publish a book by the time I’m 30, whether it’s worth reading will be debatable. 🙂 I also want to run a marathon, buy a house (checked that off this year), and several other important and some not as important things. So I’m off today to finish some projects and find some motivation to take back control of my life so I can cross the ones that I have undone back off and cross off some new ones!

 

The first step towards getting somewhere is deciding you’re not going to stay where you are.

Real People

You know what I love? Real people. People who are flawed and they’re not afraid of it. People who don’t try to hide behind false versions of themselves. People who help people. I have been so amazed lately as I have sort of stepped back and started watching the people around me more. The people at work who have shared some of their struggles with me, the ones that I know have struggled, but try to appear perfect. The people in my workout groups that have struggled to lose weight or have struggled to find a place they fit in and have found real, true friends in these classes, and the ones that come to class and watch themselves do their thing and think there’s nothing they need help on, they’re here to show us up. I’ve watched friends of friends who are so confident, and ones who are so insecure. I just love the realness in all of it. Even though it sucks to struggle, believe me, I’ve struggled plenty, there is so much to gain from our struggles. We learn so much when we fail or when something goes wrong, so there’s no reason to hide behind it. We need to use it and grow from it.

 

That’s all I have for tonight. Thanks for keeping it real!

 

xoxo

Ashley