I just want to be.

Some days it’s all I can do to make sure that my heart isn’t on my sleeve. Do you have those days? Where you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the inevitable. Those nosy people who will quiz you, “What’s wrong??” Sometimes there isn’t just one thing wrong. Sometimes there truly is nothing wrong at all, my feelings are just getting in the way. On any given day I might be sad about something going on in my life, something going on in the life of someone close to me, or just something going on in the world in general. There’s a lot to be sad about. On the same token, there is a lot to be happy about. New life, people getting married to the “loves of their lives”, people being rescued from a seemingly helpless situation, etc. You see, the human race has so much to be concerned about. I don’t want to complain endlessly about things I wish would or wouldn’t happen. I don’t want to hash out my feelings to someone who probably doesn’t really care, who’s probably just being nosey. Sometimes, I just want to be. And I think that’s ok.

“I want to have friends that will let me be all alone, when being alone is all that I need.” – The Avett Brothers, Perfect Space

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Thankfulness

Happy November, everyone!

I’ve been less than regular here lately, and I again, have no excuse for it. I have however, been thinking a lot lately about thankfulness. That’s no surprise as we are in the month of the year that everyone seems to remember to be thankful, right? So there are many things that I think of often that I need to say thanks for. My husband for one, for always seeing the best in me and bringing out the worst (trust me, it’s a good thing ;)), my step-son for reminding me what life is all about. Let me stop here. My step-son is the #2 man in my life. He is a HUGE part of my world. But there are so many days that I take the love I have for him for granted, or the love he has for me, because I’m too busy being upset with “the situation”. “The situation” being with his mom, of course. Now let me start by saying that she is involved in his life and she loves him and we do all get along. But of course, there are so many times when I want to pull my hair out or her hair out for one thing or another and even just because I’m jealous of her for being able to have him or her other kids in the first place. I never realized just how hard being part of a blended family would be. It is though, it is the single hardest thing I have ever done and possibly ever will do. But it’s worth it. 100% worth it. Being a step-mom has taught me so much and I continue to learn everyday. I’m also thankful for my parents. They weren’t perfect, they were the parents who didn’t get along great when I was growing up, but they stayed together through the good and the bad, for better or worse, and showed me that love is worth fighting for. I’m grateful for my job, for my friends and extended family. I’m grateful to have married into a large family even if it makes me incredibly antsy at family gatherings. I’ve been going through a hard time lately, dealing with infertility and feeling like I’m losing my purpose and not living the life I intended. Do we ever really live the life we intended? Maybe to an extent. But there’s always unplanned things that get in the way. I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant or that I would even marry into a blended family, but I have had trouble and I did pick that family, and on good days, I realize that I was given this life because I’m strong enough to handle it, and for that, I am undeniably thankful.

I am also overwhelmingly thankful for all of you who take the time to stop by my page for my posts that are sometimes few and far between and I hope that somehow, in my ramblings you are able to take something away from them once in a while. 🙂

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Oh and Happy Veteran’s Day to the Veteran’s! It is because of you that I have the freedom to be thankful at all. 🙂 ❤