Thankfulness

Happy November, everyone!

I’ve been less than regular here lately, and I again, have no excuse for it. I have however, been thinking a lot lately about thankfulness. That’s no surprise as we are in the month of the year that everyone seems to remember to be thankful, right? So there are many things that I think of often that I need to say thanks for. My husband for one, for always seeing the best in me and bringing out the worst (trust me, it’s a good thing ;)), my step-son for reminding me what life is all about. Let me stop here. My step-son is the #2 man in my life. He is a HUGE part of my world. But there are so many days that I take the love I have for him for granted, or the love he has for me, because I’m too busy being upset with “the situation”. “The situation” being with his mom, of course. Now let me start by saying that she is involved in his life and she loves him and we do all get along. But of course, there are so many times when I want to pull my hair out or her hair out for one thing or another and even just because I’m jealous of her for being able to have him or her other kids in the first place. I never realized just how hard being part of a blended family would be. It is though, it is the single hardest thing I have ever done and possibly ever will do. But it’s worth it. 100% worth it. Being a step-mom has taught me so much and I continue to learn everyday. I’m also thankful for my parents. They weren’t perfect, they were the parents who didn’t get along great when I was growing up, but they stayed together through the good and the bad, for better or worse, and showed me that love is worth fighting for. I’m grateful for my job, for my friends and extended family. I’m grateful to have married into a large family even if it makes me incredibly antsy at family gatherings. I’ve been going through a hard time lately, dealing with infertility and feeling like I’m losing my purpose and not living the life I intended. Do we ever really live the life we intended? Maybe to an extent. But there’s always unplanned things that get in the way. I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant or that I would even marry into a blended family, but I have had trouble and I did pick that family, and on good days, I realize that I was given this life because I’m strong enough to handle it, and for that, I am undeniably thankful.

I am also overwhelmingly thankful for all of you who take the time to stop by my page for my posts that are sometimes few and far between and I hope that somehow, in my ramblings you are able to take something away from them once in a while. 🙂

Oh and Happy Veteran’s Day to the Veteran’s! It is because of you that I have the freedom to be thankful at all. 🙂 ❤

It’s all yours.

Inspiration hits when you least expect it. Sometimes, it happens when you’re happy. When you’re in the midst of the greatest day of your life and it seems like nothing could ever be better. Sometimes, it hits when you’re sad. When you’re feeling helpless and hopeless and like the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off. It can hit when you’re all alone, nostalgic and melancholy. Or, it can hit in a crowd of people in the middle of complete chaos. Sometimes, inspiration doesn’t come at all. You’re left wondering how long it will be until you can write your next words, sing your next note, draw your next picture. Artists of all kinds struggle with these unpredictable thoughts, unpredictable behaviors. You just never know where it will hit, when it will hit. But when it does, the only thing you should do is run with it. You take that little bit of inspiration where it sprouts and with no holds barred, you make a masterpiece of it. Your own little masterpiece to share or withhold until you’re ready. Either way, it’s all yours.

Inspired

Wow, I didn’t realize it had been an entire month since I’ve blogged. I’m not very good at this blogging stuff. But as I always say, maybe one day I will be ;). I’m a chronic self-doubter. Maybe I’ve said that before. I really only know a handful of people who aren’t. But there are times in my life (in most of our lives) where I feel oddly inspired. Perhaps it’s the recent turn of events where I found myself outrageously overwhelmed with my plate overflowing when I decided to take hold of my life and my dreams again. Then I go and sign up for all sorts of things, filling my plate back up. Oh well, YOLO right?? 😉 I signed up for my first Diet Bet today. Do you know what that is? I bet money that I would lose 4% of my body weight in 4 weeks. You can check it out here.  I’m pretty excited about it. I also signed up for WordPress’s Writing 101 course here. I probably need to take the Blogging 101 pretty bad as well, but seeing as writing is my dream, I figure I should start there. 🙂 In addition to these exciting events, I’m undergoing tests for infertility to find out why I’ve been unable to conceive for the past 4 years of trying, so there’s that. I am hopeful, however, that each of these things will fall as they may. I am passionate about writing. I love fitness, (a lot of it is the idea of fitness, but I want to be healthy regardless :)), and my husband and I would desperately like to expand our family before I am thirty. The original goal was before he turned thirty, but that’s 5 months from now and slightly unlikely. 🙂 At any rate, I am, as I said, hopeful that each of these things will fall as they may and that I will continue to move forward in following my dreams.

xoxo

 

 

Sometimes the words don’t come.

Why did I start this blog?

I myself, am not quite sure of the answer to that question. I think I started it as a way to practice writing. Perhaps to reviews some books. Today I feel like just releasing some emotions. It is my blog after all.

I think a lot. My mind wanders from here to there and then, “SQUIRREL!”, back again. This trait could have the potential to make me a great writer, I think. That, of course, is my dream. But this trait also has the ability to squash my dreams by the amount of self doubt that harbors inside my brain, body, and soul. You see, I constantly think of ideas. “OOH that’s a great idea!” I usually write it down or run it by my friend Jennifer, and then I move on. Sometimes, I sit down to really elaborate on these ideas and I go completely blank. It’s so discouraging. I want to be able to put words to my thoughts and feelings. I have such great ideas and story lines in my head, why don’t the words come to me? I read on Colleen Hoover’s blog or Facebook page or something one time that one of the reasons she writes is because when she was younger, her older sister ALWAYS got the last word because she just couldn’t think of a come back as quick but she can write them down late and it’s awesome! I can definitely relate to that. My middle sister is very quick to the draw. She’s witty and wild and I always envied her ability to come back at me or anyone so readily. Currently, I am in the middle of some very trying times in my life. Not near as trying as many around me, but there are some difficult things happening. Writing is an excellent escape. Drama makes good fiction. But I. Can’t. Find. The. Words. Perhaps if I just keep writing away it will happen. SO yeah, that’s how I’m feeling now. & then some. But words, they aren’t there. It’s all fuzzied up in there. That’s a word, now. 🙂 Until next time.

xoxo
Ashley

Check your bitterness at the door.

This is something I have to continually remind myself. Sometimes, I have an overly bitter heart. I’m sure it could be worse though, and the fact that I know I am bitter, is probably a good thing. I have been married for 5 years. My husband and I have been together for 8. I’ve always been a hard worker. I have always just wanted to work, since I took my first job at the ripe age of 16, I have always taken on extra work for the simple fact that I enjoyed it. Since I have “grown up”, and now I have to work, I don’t enjoy it as much. Who does?? I enjoy the independence and the paycheck, of course, but I find myself extremely bitter about other people my age not having to work. I know, I shouldn’t worry about them, but it’s just frustrating. Another thing I am fiercely bitter about is fertility/infertility. My husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby for about 4 years now. I can’t say I get overly excited to hear about that girl from school having her third child. Or the one complaining about how much she hates being pregnant. The ones who are tired of their kids or the ones who dump them with the grandparents because they’re not done sowing their wild oats. Do they know how lucky they are!? However I am continually brought back to realty when I look around and realize that I, too, am lucky. I have a husband who is there for his child. I have a step-son who loves me nearly as much as his own mother as I’ve been here just as long. I have a job and a paycheck and affordable insurance. I have a nice car, and a sturdy home. I have food on my table and in the fridge. So I don’t get to be a “stay at home mom”, I wouldn’t like that anyways. So I don’t have my own child yet. One day, I will. One day, perhaps, I’ll be working my dream job. I know I will have my share of bad days there, too, but I will check my bitterness at the door and remind myself always that I am blessed and things could definitely be worse.

Lists and Goals

I love lists. Grocery Lists. Lists of things to do today. Lists of things to do this month. Things to accomplish by X date. I make lists all the time. But I fail. I don’t always complete my lists. When I do though, I feel SUCH a sense of accomplishment. Last year, err well, 2 years ago, on my 24th birthday I felt so disappointed in my life thus far. It was silly of me, sure. We all have different accomplishments, but I just wanted more for myself. So I made a list. A list of 25 things to do before I turned 25. I completed 24 of them (zip lining is the only one I haven’t made it to :(). I felt SO great last year. Some of the items on my list- lose 25 lbs., get a degree, go parasailing, canoeing, buy my parents dinner, etc. I checked almost all of them off and it was wonderful. This year, my 25th year, I feel like I’ve undone a lot of that progress. I got my associate’s degree last year and was continuing to get my bachelor’s degree but I just don’t want a business degree so I guess I’m not giving it my all. This makes me feel like a failure, but my heart simply isn’t in it. I’ve gained back a bit of that weight I lost and that makes me feel terrible, and why? What happened to send me in this downward spiral? Who knows. All I know is that I need to find my motivation and get back out there. After crossing all that off my list last year, I made a list of 30 things to accomplish before I turn 30. One of those is to write a book. I’ve started and stopped that many times in the past few years but I WILL publish a book by the time I’m 30, whether it’s worth reading will be debatable. 🙂 I also want to run a marathon, buy a house (checked that off this year), and several other important and some not as important things. So I’m off today to finish some projects and find some motivation to take back control of my life so I can cross the ones that I have undone back off and cross off some new ones!

 

The first step towards getting somewhere is deciding you’re not going to stay where you are.

Real People

You know what I love? Real people. People who are flawed and they’re not afraid of it. People who don’t try to hide behind false versions of themselves. People who help people. I have been so amazed lately as I have sort of stepped back and started watching the people around me more. The people at work who have shared some of their struggles with me, the ones that I know have struggled, but try to appear perfect. The people in my workout groups that have struggled to lose weight or have struggled to find a place they fit in and have found real, true friends in these classes, and the ones that come to class and watch themselves do their thing and think there’s nothing they need help on, they’re here to show us up. I’ve watched friends of friends who are so confident, and ones who are so insecure. I just love the realness in all of it. Even though it sucks to struggle, believe me, I’ve struggled plenty, there is so much to gain from our struggles. We learn so much when we fail or when something goes wrong, so there’s no reason to hide behind it. We need to use it and grow from it.

 

That’s all I have for tonight. Thanks for keeping it real!

 

xoxo

Ashley

Negative Reviews

I’m not good at negative reviews. Maybe because I’m sensitive? I’m all for constructive criticism and I know that’s a major player in negative reviews, sometimes. Sometimes, you find people who are seemingly unhappy with their lives and only want to spread negativity. That’s the only thing I can think of. Sure, there are times when you can seriously dislike something or have a real bad experience and want to share it with everyone, but other times I think some people are just being mean. In the banking industry, we realize that when someone gets good service, they tell maybe one person, but if they get bad service they tell at least 10. This is true for pretty much all industries, I know. The problem I have with giving negative reviews is that I really truly see the good in everything. That’s not to say that every review I have given is good, but let’s see in book reviews, I generally research the books I read before I read them. There are authors that I know I would love to read their grocery lists. So I know that when one of their books comes out, I’ll probably devour it. Or if they recommend certain books in their genre, I will probably love them, too. Anyways, the point to this post (which could honestly be reviewed very negatively due to all of my run-on thoughts), is that I’m not really sure how to give a negative review of a book. Especially if it’s book I truly did enjoy. Generally I’d give it 4 stars and move on. I’ve given 3 stars here and there. It just seems to me, if the book was really good, I should give it so many stars and not mention the small things that bothered me like the fact that the story wrapped up rather quickly at the end (it has to end somewhere right?) or that it was pretty easy to predict. A good book is a good book, right? I have so much to learn in all of this, I’m just trying to cypher my way through. 🙂

Goodnight!

xoxo

Ashley

Thursday Book Review! Mackenzie Fire by Elle Casey

This is the second book in the Shine Not Burn series. If you haven’t read the first one, see my review for it here and come back later! 😉

This is Ian and Candice’s story. Ian is Mack’s younger brother who was set to be married in the first book. His wedding was called off shortly after their eventful trip to Vegas. He’s been carrying around a bitterness about it for the last 3 years. Candice is Andie’s bubbly best friend from Florida. She’s in town to visit and is eager to put Ian in his place for being such a jerk to Andie. Little did she know that this trip to Oregon would send her literally falling on her butt.
Candice and Ian have an amazing chemistry. They try to fight their attraction to each other from the very start in a series of hilarious and unfortunate events. Both will end up wounded and both will fall hard, but there’s no way it will work from Oregon to Florida so Candice is just determined to turn Ian’s life upside down enough so he’ll pull his head out of his butt. Ian is looking for a way out and he just might find it.
Elle Casey has a wonderful way with words. I was hooked from the start on Shine Not Burn and had no doubts that this book would be equally hilarious and wonderful.
My only complaint is that it sort of felt rushed towards the end. Otherwise it was an amazing book. 🙂

4.5 Stars! 🙂

xoxo
Ashley

Book Reviews- Shine Not Burn by Elle Casey

Here I go! It’s better late than never, right? I write this sort of to no one, although I have a few followers, I’m not sure why you guys are following me yet. I’m hoping to gain your real attention one day. But until then, I’m going to wander aimlessly through the blogging world trying to figure it all out. 🙂

Shine Not Burn was released last July, I believe. That’s when I read it anyways. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon this gem but I am certain glad I did! This is the story of big city Andie, careful lawyer from Florida with a very simple, very structured life plan. She wants to make partner by 30, married with 2.5 kids by 35. Sounds great, right? She just needs to make it through her best friend, Kelly’s bachelorette weekend in Vegas and focus her eyes on the prize. Enter Mack, Gavin Mackenzie. Sexy Cowboy from Oregon. He’s also been drug to Vegas for a bachelor weekend for his brother when Andie all but literally runs into him.

“My brain barely registered what they were saying. I only had eyes for the god sitting on the stool just twenty feet away from me. Jeans, dress shirt, cowboy hat, five o’clock shadow beard, muscles visible just below his rolled up cuffs, bronzed like he spent most of the day outside. “Be still my heart,” I said, talking to no one.

I was nearly to his spot at the table when the toe of my borrowed heel caught something on the carpet and sent me flying forward. I watched in horror as my hand went out to help find my balance, sending the contents of my glass out in a stream right at the man who’d stepped out of my lustiest of dreams.”

And so begins what should quite possibly be the best day of her life. Andie and Mack hit it off and spend a wonderful evening together that she doesn’t quite remember the next morning. Two years later, Andie’s days away from getting married to a cookie cutter man that fits her life plan when she’s notified by the county clerk’s office that she’s still legally married to a man out in Oregon. What else is she to do? She boards a flight in an effort to fix this little hiccup before he future husband catches wind of it. Little did she know what she would find in Oregon.

I laughed until I cried THROUGHOUT this book! It was just SO good. It’s a definite must read.

Then grab Mackenzie Fire. I’m going to review that next. 🙂